Blip

Ok, what happened there?

It's hard to say. I start out with good intentions. But when I don't meet my own expectations, I quit. I quit recording my food, I quit exercising, I quit blogging, I quit caring about myself. Mostly I go into denial. And I can't stay in denial if I'm blogging about how I ate a bag of cookies and then skipped my work out.

I'm sure I will go into more detail about all of this later, but the upshot is that since the last time I have blogged I have gone through a period of binge eating and not working out at all, a period of eating really well and training hard for the Holyoke St. Patrick's Day 10K, running and completing that extremely difficult road race, which I am very proud of, then eating crap and exercising sporadically for a few weeks and now basically back on track with the eating/logging food/running/working out. I think that I'm only in this phase now because I signed up for a 5K this weekend (April 28th) and I want to be at least not bloated and sick even if I can't be reasonably fit or PR. And, I still want to and plan to run the Long Beach Marathon. Yeah, its still out there, its still a dream. I know I can make it into a reality, but will I?

A couple of things are killing me here:

1) I am not injured. For the first time in years, I can run a reasonable amount and I don't feel fragile during or in pain after. In fact, I ran six 9:30 miles on Saturday, and I felt good enough to go on a 10 mile bike ride later that day.

So what is the problem? Well that is a good question. There were months, no, years, where I was injured in myriad ways, where I never thought I would get better or something else would come on, and I would greive running. Now I can do it, and I basically choose to blow it off for no really good reason. I've wasted so much time. I could have been getting stronger and faster over the past few months, but I'm exactly the same.

2) I cannot understand why I don't feel compelled to take better care of myself, when I know I am my husband's most important investment in life. I would be enraged if he was shooting heroin or something, because he is precious to me and I need him around. But the hypocrisy of my possibly getting diabetes and ruining our lives doesn't seem to occur to me. Or rather, it does occur to me and I eat a bag of snickerdoodles anyway.

3) Two times last week I ate so much candy I felt ill the next day.


So, as of today, right now, I am 148 pounds. I've been recording my food in myfooddiary.com for four days in a row. The last time I skipped a cardio workout was hill training last Tuesday. Is this sustainable? It is. Am I too weak and cracked out to follow through? Probably. I will probably get down to 145 pounds and then have a fancy dinner in Philadelphia and then binge for two weeks again.

Maybe this time I'll blog about it though.